Fear. I have fears. I’m told you do, too. I’m told we all do. But sometimes, it just feels like my issue and my issue alone. I’ve done a lot in these past few years to address some of my fears and I’ve written about it as well. But fear has me in its grip right now and it’s difficult to write these words. But I want to. It’s time. This is my ultimate fear and it’s time to share.
But, what is fear? According to google, the definition is “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat.” There is the fear that comes with real, life-threatening danger—that’s not the fear that I’m experiencing right now.
The other fear is egotistical. It’s personal. What if I try this and it fails? What if I wear this and I look fat? What if I share this and people make fun of me?
Fear often lives side by side with regret. When fear stops you from doing something and the opportunity is no longer available….there are regrets and what-ifs. But fear draws a line, a boundary in the sand for me. Do I cross it? Do I dare?
The fear. This fear. I’ve never shared my blog with my friends and family until today. My fear: what if they read it and make fun of me? Even writing these words is causing me some anxiety, so I’ve been distracting myself away from writing them. I’ve been Googling various random thoughts, playing Township on my phone, hell, I even took a nap so I didn’t have to continue this path.
But it’s time. I started this blog more than three years ago. I even have several people who read it on a regular basis. And yet, those closest to me don’t even know anything about it. My husband knows, but my sister and brother don’t know. When I started my blog, I had two sisters and two brothers and I regret not having had the courage to share this before Jonathan and Joanne died. It’s too late now. I’m taking that leap today, that trust fall, because I don’t want to have more regrets like that.
You might wonder how I’ve written a blog for three years while having this fear. The truth? I was able to “hide” behind my blog. I could share myself because those closest to me weren’t reading it. It helps that whenever I write a post, I pre-schedule it so I’m not around when it actually posts, funny how I have to trick myself.
There is another funny thing I want to point out, I didn’t even realize it until I was getting ready to schedule the post. It’s the numbers. The date today is 9-26-16. I started my blog on 3-13-13. I’ve never been into numbers that much….just ask any Math teacher I’ve ever had….but, to me, these numbers go together. 3×3=9, 13×2=26 and 13+3=16.
It’s time. Here is my blog. Let me know what you think. Please be honest, but gentle, I just spilled my guts.