This month’s look a the Art of Extreme Self Care is a look at how we tend to stuff our anger. Women especially have turned this into an art form as they try to avoid conflict and protect the feelings of other people instead of their own feelings. This month we look anger in the face so you can learn how to use your voice when you’re angry.
We’ve all been in those situations. A rude sales rep pushes you to make a decision, someone makes a negative comment about your appearance, or your marriage, or how your children are raised. There may be a lot of occasions where you felt yourself stuffing your anger down so you could move the situation along.
In her book, Cheryl Richardson gives four steps to use when learning how to express your anger appropriately. Remember, the goal is to express your anger in a calm manner, the goal isn’t to have the other person walk away with your anger.
- Close your eyes and breathe. Don’t let yourself get caught off guard and blurt out something you’ll regret. Step away if you must and then breathe.
- Find a safe person to vent to. By safe she doesn’t mean the person who is going to fan the flames of your anger. Find someone who will listen to your concerns and who will help to put you on the right path.
- Get more information. Ask questions for more clarity about the situation. Perhaps it’s not what you thought.
- Have a calm conversation with the other person. When you are ready, tell the other person how you felt. This is not a blame game, it’s not about them. Just say things like, “This is how I felt when you said…or did…”
During this month’s calendar, we’re going to pay attention to the triggers that cause us to easily flair into anger, how our body is reacting, and how we feel as we’re stuffing our anger down. Then we’ll think about the things that are quick to anger us and craft some go-to responses to use when needed.
Below are links to some things I refer to in the calendar:
The Dance of Anger
The Ant Bully
Yoga Nidra
6 Way to Express Anger Effectively
My Bodyguard
The Way Emotionally Intelligent People Handle Anger
Hocus Pocus
The best way to use the calendar is to read all of the items first. Find out where you might need to plan in advance like scheduling tests or making appointments. Below is the calendar and here is a link to the Don’t Stuff Your Anger October Calendar
Great tips–especially the breathing part!
Yes. So easy to hold your breath and clench your body when you’re angry. Thanks for stopping by.
Women plus anger. An interesting combination. As you said, Jennifer, we try to avoid conflict. I have found number three works the best for me. “Get more information.” Interesting post.
Thanks for stopping by, Erica. Getting more information is key. I sometimes find 1 and 3 work best for me. I’ve got to breathe first to calm down a flash of anger before I start
interrogatingasking questions about the situation.I am always so mellow, but then one thing tips me over and I’m really angry. Doesn’t happen often, so I apprecate your tips! I’ve shared on my pinterest board! #MSTL
I wonder if that one thing is actually the proverbial straw and you’re actually “collecting” different situations that you consciously choose to be mellow about but your subconscious has a different agenda?
Thanks Jennifer for this post on anger and how to use your voice to express it. I found harriet lerner’s book The Dance of Anger very helpful when I was working through anger in my past. Your tips are tops. Visiting at #MLSTL and thanks for the Oct Don’t Stuff Your Anger Calendar Link. It looks like a useful self-care too. Pinned this post and will reshare.
Thank you for stopping by, Nancy.
Anger can be such a big driver of our emotions if we’re not careful. I know I carried a lot of it with me over the last year or so of work and it was so good to finally release it once I’d worked my way through the whole process. I hadn’t thought about reading up on it and maybe some of those resources would have helped me resolve things sooner.
Thanks for linking up with us at MLSTL and I’ve shared on my SM 🙂
I’m so glad you’ve been able to work through your anger. Better later than never!
What a great way to acknowledge anger and tips for how we can deal with it. Thanks for the calendar and I just love the Don’t Stuff Your Anger calendar! I’ve pinned this post for #mlstl
Thanks, Debbie!
Love your post, Jennifer, and the four tips are very useful. I think each one brings us closer to understanding our anger and finding a more useful way to deal with it. Shared on SM. #MLSTL
Thanks for stopping by, Candi. Understanding is the key. Sadly it hasn’t always been our “go-to” in these types of situations.
Hi Jennifer, this is a great topic. We spend far too much time being angry over things that do not require it. I’ve been working on myself regarding anger for some years, and one of the things I’ve found surprising is that a lot of the time it’s simply a misunderstanding, miscommunication, cultural difference (if you live in a culture that’s not your own, like I do), or just, as you noted above, that you don’t have all the information. Life is much easier if your first reaction isn’t anger, but look for a way to understand the situation better. Thanks for the post! 🙂
Usually, I find that it’s the small (so not worth it) things that can cause quick flashes of anger where none should be in the first place. A couple of questions might have avoided the issue, but if we’re not thinking in those terms, then the anger comes and we stew about it but don’t address it. Communication is such a better choice.
Hi Jennifer. Thanks for these great tips on learning to express anger in a calm manner. I get angry sometimes over the behaviors of people from a different culture. In my case, it’s helpful to talk to my husband about my feelings and he does the same.
I’ve been one to avoid conflict at all costs in the past. More recently I’ve learned to express my concerns in a more productive way (most of the time). Sometimes if I find myself having a strong angry action that seems out of proportion to whatever happened, I like to ask myself why I had such a strong reaction. Sometimes it’s as much about an internal issue I’m struggling with as the external factors. The other tool I use if the anger is about something passing that isn’t worth addressing (think someone cutting you off in traffic or a rude person in line next to you), I repeat to myself, “I choose love over judgment,” and give that person the benefit of the doubt–believing they are doing the best they can in the situation with the skills they have. For bigger issues, I do like your recommendation to talk to a trusted third party for a more objective opinion and advice. Thanks for another great post!
Having spent so many years in customer service, I always try to remember that I don’t know what that other person is going through. I might be talking to them on the worst day of their life and that’s why they’re so angry. I try not to take it personally and help them as best as I can. Then I let it go and move onto the next customer. I don’t want to pick up the anger that they just threw at me and give it to the next person. I’ll have to remember that phrase, “I choose love over judgment.”
Go for a very long walk 🙂 Anger is one emotion that is hard to handle in the best way. Once a word is spoken in anger it is never erased even with a “Sorry” afterwards.
You are so right, the invisible scars will remain.
Jennifer, I loved that book! As someone who goes into silent mode when angry, I understand how venting can help. On the other hand, I also find that a calm feeling comes over me if I choose my battles carefully. Sometimes its not worth the energy.
Putting time between the trigger and discussing the issue is a great way to shift your energy so the issue will be resolved, not multiplied. Good tips!