Fear. I have fears. I’m told you do, too. I’m told we all do. But sometimes, it just feels like my issue and my issue alone. I’ve done a lot in these past few years to address some of my fears and I’ve written about it as well. But fear has me in its grip right now and it’s difficult to write these words. But I want to. It’s time. This is my ultimate fear and it’s time to share.
What Is Fear?
But, what is fear? According to Google, the definition is “an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat.” There is the fear that comes with real, life-threatening danger—that’s not the fear that I’m experiencing right now.
The other fear is egotistical. It’s personal. What if I try this and it fails? What if I wear this and I look fat? What if I share this and people make fun of me?
Fear often lives side by side with regret. When fear stops you from doing something and the opportunity is no longer available….there are regrets and what-ifs. But fear draws a line, a boundary in the sand for me. Do I cross it? Do I dare?
This Is My Fear
The fear. This fear. I’ve never shared my blog with my friends and family until today. My fear: what if they read it and make fun of me? Even writing these words is causing me some anxiety, so I’ve been distracting myself away from writing them. I’ve been Googling various random thoughts, and playing Township on my phone, hell, I even took a nap so I didn’t have to continue this path.
But it’s time. I started this blog more than three years ago. I even have several people who read it on a regular basis. And yet, those closest to me don’t even know anything about it. My husband knows, but my sister and brother don’t know. When I started my blog, I had two sisters and two brothers and I regret not having had the courage to share this before Jonathan and Joanne died. It’s too late now. I’m taking that leap today, that trust fall, because I don’t want to have more regrets like that.
You might wonder how I’ve written a blog for three years while having this fear. The truth? I was able to “hide” behind my blog. I could share myself because those closest to me weren’t reading it. It helps that whenever I write a post, I pre-schedule it so I’m not around when it actually posts, funny how I have to trick myself.
There is another funny thing I want to point out, I didn’t even realize it until I was getting ready to schedule the post. It’s the numbers. The date today is 9-26-16. I started my blog on 3-13-13. I’ve never been into numbers that much….just ask any Math teacher I’ve ever had….but, to me, these numbers go together. 3×3=9, 13×2=26 and 13+3=16.
It’s time. Here is my blog. Let me know what you think. Please be honest, but gentle, I just spilled my guts.
Yay! I’m so glad you revealed yourself. Don’t be afraid, your friends and family will love to know that you write. They may even read it. Or not. Lol!
They might even read it? LOL! My heart’s been beating out of my chest, but at least it’s done with. Nothing to hide.
Love it. And love you. Keep writing and I’ll keep reading.
Thanks Lori. I really do appreciate it.
Good for you! Keep on writing!
Thank you for sharing. Fear is my copilot too. I’m always trying to bitch slap her but she keeps coming back. And keep on keeping on!
Just keep slapping her back! That’s what we need to do.
I love what you say about fear sitting side by side with regret. It’s true. And while people tell us to be “fearless,” as if fear were a bad thing, we should remember that doing that thing that scares us is courageous. And without fear, we could not really have courage. Could we? I enjoyed this post, and I congratulate you on taking a leap. You got this!
Exactly. Two sides of the same stick. Love and hate. Hope and despair. Courage and fear. Without one, how can you know the other?
Don’t let the fear of your family’s awareness get the best of you. You write because it’s something you love to, and that’s all that matters! Keep on going.
Xoxo
So true! Thanks for stopping by.
It’s wonderful so I hope others DO get to read it!?
Yes! Thank you for stopping by to read.
Hi Jennifer! I think that being honest with yourself enough to write these words is a real key. And even though I’ve been blogging for nearly 10 years now…honestly that thought STILL comes up for me–not every week now–but still when I’ve pushed myself to write something somewhat controversial. But another writer said something one time that stuck with me….I can’t even remember who it was….but they said something like, “if you’re not a little bit afraid when you write something then you aren’t writing anything new or anything different…and certainly nothing that will make anyone think.” And because my goal is to keep my mind active and learning AND to get people to think I think it requires that we push ourselves into that place of fear on a regular basis. Oh, and I learned a LONG time ago that family doesn’t really think that much about my writing anyway. Remember, you aren’t writing for them anyway. Your audience is the Universe!!! ~Kathy
Thank you, Kathy! I like what your friend told you. Making people think, do and create is important to me. That’s a keeper, thanks for sharing it.
oMg, I LOVE YOU! Your vulnerability and willingness to show your humanity is bold and so relatable. I write, and I’m a photographer and I have been very very selective about who gets to read it or see them because it feels so personal and so … ME. strangers will just take it at face value – Friends and family have history, formed opinions about WHO you are and basically JUDGE everything…. or at least we think so…. Let your light shine, baby – you inspire me to do the same!
Time to let it shine! Someone reminded me of the Four Agreements and the one about “Don’t take anything personally.” He said, if people are judging you or making fun of you then they’re only revealing their own thoughts and beliefs and that it keeps them small. It speaks to them, not you.
All my family know I have a blog but they never read anything on it. Do I care? Not a bit because I can write stuff about them and they don’t even know! Hee hee!
My husband reads most of my posts. He’s a fan!
I think we all have a certain amount of the same fear within us so you’re not alone! Glad you’re still here a year later!
Thank you. Funny thing is once I shared it…I haven’t stopped talking about it to anyone who will listen.
Oh oh oh how many more things I could write if no one I knew read this blog. How did the transition go between blogging behind a curtain and blogging wide open>
The transition went well because now I can’t shut up about my blogging. Of course, other people might have a different opinion!