Even though I’m moving out at the end of March, I’ve been putting off the packing.  I’ve been having such a hard time getting motivated for it that I’ve been asking myself why is it so hard to leave?

This decision to move back home has been a struggle for me.  I never wanted to be in a position that I ever needed to move back home.  Even when I was divorced and needed to sell my house in 2004, I moved in with a friend rather than move back home.  Did I fail?  That’s what keeps creeping up in my mind.  No.  I know I didn’t fail.  My job is coming to an end because the call center is closing, not because of anything I did.  I’m actually looking forward to this opportunity to earn a living as a writer instead of a manager.

So why am I struggling?  Did I make a bad decision?  I guess time will tell on that one.  My mother and I have opposing political views and she likes to argue about politics and she’s hard of hearing.  The hard of hearing thing will be the hardest to process.  We went to visit her yesterday and the TV was on so loud, I was surprised the entire neighborhood couldn’t hear it.  But that wasn’t really it either.

This weekend, my husband and I were in a flurry of packing.  He’s having rotator cuff surgery on Wednesday.   This Wednesday.  Which means after that, all the packing is going to fall on me.  While we’ll have a mover take care of most of it, we still have to finish going through things for the donate, sell and keep decisions. And even though I’ve been putting this off, it’s not because of the work that needs to be done.  I relish the ability to downsize.

But this weekend, I did figure out why I was having such a hard time.  While I was doing my taxes, I saw the date that I took out the mortgage on this condo–2006.  That was two years before I met Chris.  And being able to buy this home on my own really meant a lot to me.  Sure, I owned a house with my ex-husband, but I let him take the lead on that.  It wasn’t mine, it was ours and then it just became the thing that was pushing me deeper into debt as we were going through our divorce.  I was so relieved to be free of it.

This condo, on the other hand, was the start of a new life.  Two years after rebuilding my life and my finances, I was ready to buy my own place.  It was a huge step for me, one that I thought about and agonized over for months.  I used a loan analysis spreadsheet that I created to determine when I was ready to buy.  I manipulated those numbers for months until I found the perfect amounts of what I could afford and by then I think I was also emotionally ready to buy my own place.

But now it’s time to move on.  Downsizing to move in with my mother is the first step in a longer process.  Eventually, we’ll be moving out of Connecticut.  But for now, moving in with my mother and taking care of her is first.  Then we’ll see what comes next.

***If you’re planning on buying your first or even your next house, here is a copy of the document.***

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